Is Your Butt Burning?
My commute to work is 25 miles each way. Unfortunately I share the road with some of the worst drivers on the planet. These people are chronic ass riders who think speed limits are more like guide lines that can be ignored. I can’t think of anywhere (inside the U.S.) where there is such a concentration of bad drivers. I shouldn’t be surprised because I witnessed my ex-wife’s (who is the worst driver I ever personally known, which led to more fights and arguments than I care to remember) driver’s test which consisted of her driving with a cop around a course that entailed a 1 mile circle. I was shocked when the test took all of about 2 minutes. I even asked the cop, “is that it?” To which he replied, “Yep, that’s it. Driving is all about experience. We don’t expect new drivers to be highly skilled when they first start out, that will all come with time and experience.” Yeah, we wouldn’t want to burden anyone with having the basic driving skills of parallel parking, three point turns, and highway/interstate driving techniques etc. I think the state has finally changed the driver’s test but there are still a few generations of drivers from the “old days”. So needless to say, I wouldn’t be surprised to wake up dead in some sort of auto accident involving a SUV/pick-up, cell-phone, and some jack-ass in a big rush to get to the grocery store or whatever.
One evening, after a particularly stressful commute home, my wife and I were talking about bad drivers. I said that I wished there was a way you could somehow get a bad driver’s attention when you witness one in action. She suggested that I secretly wished to be God and strike down the offensive drivers with a mighty blow, thus snuffing out their life and improving the driving situation, one bad driver at a time. I, of course, being a little less extreme than my lovely bride, countered with a different idea. I would still take the position of God, and address the people of the world with something similar to this; “I the almighty, who sees all, has been quite disappointed in what I have witnessed. You consistently break the rules of safety, good manners and kindness while you traverse the vast expanse of roadways on this magnificent world that I have bestowed upon you. From now on, if I witness someone acting unsafe, rude, incompetent or otherwise jack-assedly (I’m God, remember, I can make up my own words) whilst operating a motor vehicle; I will inflict the curse of an excruciatingly painful burning upon your butt-hole. The pain will be so brutal that you will not be able to continue driving your vehicle and you will be forced to pull over. The burning will continue until you recognize your sins against yourself or fellow drivers and express remorse for such actions. After that, the pain will subside and you will be able to function normally again. I would ask that you spread the word of your “ass burning” so that others may learn from your stupid knuckle headed mistakes and all mankind may travel together in safety and harmony. Remember you are all my children and I love you, but I still have the right to “tan your ass” so to speak. Thank you for your time, Peace out!”
So there is something to think about the next time someone cuts you off, rides your butt, drifts into your lane while picking up something off their floorboard (which happened to me this morning) or acts otherwise jack-assedly. Peace Out!
One evening, after a particularly stressful commute home, my wife and I were talking about bad drivers. I said that I wished there was a way you could somehow get a bad driver’s attention when you witness one in action. She suggested that I secretly wished to be God and strike down the offensive drivers with a mighty blow, thus snuffing out their life and improving the driving situation, one bad driver at a time. I, of course, being a little less extreme than my lovely bride, countered with a different idea. I would still take the position of God, and address the people of the world with something similar to this; “I the almighty, who sees all, has been quite disappointed in what I have witnessed. You consistently break the rules of safety, good manners and kindness while you traverse the vast expanse of roadways on this magnificent world that I have bestowed upon you. From now on, if I witness someone acting unsafe, rude, incompetent or otherwise jack-assedly (I’m God, remember, I can make up my own words) whilst operating a motor vehicle; I will inflict the curse of an excruciatingly painful burning upon your butt-hole. The pain will be so brutal that you will not be able to continue driving your vehicle and you will be forced to pull over. The burning will continue until you recognize your sins against yourself or fellow drivers and express remorse for such actions. After that, the pain will subside and you will be able to function normally again. I would ask that you spread the word of your “ass burning” so that others may learn from your stupid knuckle headed mistakes and all mankind may travel together in safety and harmony. Remember you are all my children and I love you, but I still have the right to “tan your ass” so to speak. Thank you for your time, Peace out!”
So there is something to think about the next time someone cuts you off, rides your butt, drifts into your lane while picking up something off their floorboard (which happened to me this morning) or acts otherwise jack-assedly. Peace Out!
5 Comments:
I love this honey, laughed until I nearly peed myself again this morning :). I linked to you on my blog, but we'll see if any of my bitches come over to read.
Hugs and kisses,
Anna
6:50 AM
I came over to read!
I'm more the bloodthirsty type though. Pains in the ass are all well and good, but I'm not so merciful.
9:02 AM
Hey look! One of my bitches, lol. Hey D. Me too, totally bloodthirsty. I think jackasses should die!!
Hugs,
Anna
9:17 AM
Hopped over via linky.
Very funny! And I love that new word jack-assedly. :)
9:49 AM
Anna and December,
I understand your point, why should we have mercy on the jack-asses? This is one of my major arguments I have against the stringent safety rules and regulations we have in the Air Force. A normal person uses his own common sense to keep himself and those around him safe, it’s called self-preservation. It’s the idiots that need direct orders to, for example; de-energize electrical system before performing maintenance on electrical circuit…or…ensure no ignition sources are present when opening fuel tank. Our safety program works against the “natural selection” process. As a result our population is less-intelligent because the rules ensure stupid people’s continued survival. These stupid go on to reproduce and, in many cases, produce stupid off-spring…you can see the vicious cycle. But, I still defend my “ass-burning” stance in regards to jack-asses. First of all, in my scenario, I’m God and I should be merciful. Plus, I’d still have the option of promptly eliminating a person if they continued to be a jack-ass after several “rectum-scaldings”. Finally, I think about all of the reformed smokers that I’ve met. Is there another group of people that are harder on smokers than people that used to smoke? I think not! So I applied this theory to reformed jack-asses.
Wow…that is a long comment. Speaking of comments, thanks for stopping by R.G. I really enjoy comments because sometimes they can spur a conversation that’s just as interesting, if not more, than the original post.
Take care,
AFD
11:21 AM
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